Tell me what you think...?

Personally, I really like it. I think it could be the great beginning to a song, but just as a poem it's strong and really makes a statement in a short period of time. That's tough to do, and I definitely respect you for being able to do that. But, to me, I hate when lines have really drastically different number of syllables except for the first or last line. So, maybe make a few of the lines a bit shorter. But, that's just a personal feeling. Other than that, it really is great. Good job!